Chapter 22
“I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
(...)
Who do you think you are?
(...)
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back"
“Bella, what’s wrong?” he asked again, sitting motionless, staring at me. The lamp over my bedside table was on, shadowing the right side of his face. After a few seconds staring back, I finally got the nerve to walk to the dresser and find a clean set of pajamas.
“So you’re giving me silent treatment now? If I know a thing or two about women is that a prolonged silence is always heavy with something bad, usually resentment.” He said from behind me. I brushed past him, and went back to bed.
“Goddamn it Bella, what the fuck is wrong? Was it that bad?” he spat. “I think my ego can take it, just say something, anything!”
“You don’t know what to say, but how do you feel about it?” he questioned hoarsely sitting on the other side of the bed, looking away from me.
“Nothing,” I answered flatly.
“What?” he whispered surprised, turning to face me again.
“I didn’t feel anything I was supposed to feel.”
“Meaning?”
“It was good, but not great,” I answered almost angrily, “I just can’t detach my body from my feelings. I just feel… drained.”
“It was good, but not great,” I answered almost angrily, “I just can’t detach my body from my feelings. I just feel… drained.”
“I question if you were in the same room I was, because that connection I felt? It wasn’t just me. You wanted it as desperately as I did, so let me ask you again, what’s wrong?” He pressed.
“I don’t know. I wanted to feel, I wanted to forget. But now, do you want to know how I feel? Empty… and cheap.”
“I haven’t been with anyone else since that night in the casino, in Sydney,” he stated as if that simple piece of information would make everything instantaneously better.
“It doesn’t matter.”
As the clock ticked in my head, I waited for him to move, to go away. He didn’t. He sat there, unmoving at first, thinking, reeling atmy words.
I waited. At any moment he would just burst. He didn’t, but he also didn’t give any hint of what was going on inside his head.
So I waited and exhaled loudly, resting my head back in some fluffy pillows. I wanted to bury my face there, as something I found similar to shame take over me, instead I stared at the ceiling.
I felt the mattress shift, and finally looked in his direction again. He lay beside me, again, not touching me. I eyed him questioningly, as that moment seemed like the most awkward of my life.
“Rather than just say itl, I think my best move at the moment is to show you that I’m not going away. If you want to leave, there is plenty of space elsewhere for you to sleep and I’m pretty sure you can afford a hotel. I’m not going to force you to stay. In the meantime, if you don’t mind, I’m kind of exhausted, long day and all working and my girl is kind of being difficult…” he paused before adding “I think I’ll have to learn to be patient. Sweet dreams.”
That took me by surprise and, unsure of how to act, I ended up closing my eyes and found some consolation saying as far away from him as the bed allowed.
Thank you stmurr for helping me with this (my beta is on vacation)! You're great!
